The first step to protecting children from sexual abuse is educating parents about the nature of the problem. Awareness about child sexual abuse – what it is and who commits it – opens the door to some simple steps parents can take to protect children. Awareness, education and responsible parenting give a child the best tools for her or his defense – and the child may be more likely to tell an adult if something happens.
Here are some practical actions parents can take to help protect their children:
1. By virtue of their physical size, adults have power over children – and that increases a child’s vulnerability. For example, parents and other authority figures teach children to “obey adults.” When children hear this message, they may interpret it to mean that all adults have the authority to tell all children what to do, all the time. If this is a child’s interpretation, then the message has created additional vulnerability for the child. Yet, some simple, common sense steps can help minimize a child’s vulnerability.
For example:
- Do not insist that children hug or kiss relatives or friends. Let children express affection on their own terms.
- Let children know that their feelings are important to you. Intervene if you notice that your child is uncomfortable doing something that another adult asks him or her to do. Let the child know that you will protect him or her from this discomfort. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you should let children off the hook when it comes to doing their chores or cleaning up a mess they’ve made.
2. Learn to recognize and take advantage of teachable moments with children. Be willing to openly discuss sensitive issues. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends the following age-appropriate conversations with children:
- From ages 18 months to 3 years – begin teaching children the proper names for all body parts.
- Ages 3 to 5 years – teach children about private body parts and how to say “no” to anyone who touches them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable. Give them direct answers to questions about sex.
- Ages 5 to 8 years – talk about good touches and bad touches, and safety away from home.
- Ages 8 to 12 years – focus on personal safety issues.
- Ages 13 to 18 years – discuss issues such as rape, date rape, HIV, other sexually transmitted diseases, and unintended pregnancy.
3. Games are a great way to reinforce the lessons you teach your children about safety issues. For example, children are always asking parents, “What if?” Using this same game, parents can raise their own concerns and encourage their children to think and make decisions relying on the lessons they have learned.
4. Teach children to say, “Stop it,” to instructions that might encourage them to do things that they really do not want to do. Reinforce the rule that children should say, “Stop it,” to requests or demands that make them uncomfortable, even if they think they should obey. A discussion of these rules can teach a child that there are some times when it is OK to say, “Stop it,” and other times when it is OK to go along with the instructions. Everything hinges on context. Parents must teach their children how to discern between an appropriate request and an inappropriate request. For example, it is appropriate to follow the instruction to “Be nice,” as long as the instruction is within an appropriate context, such as, “Be nice and don’t throw things at the other children.” But, tell children it’s OK to disobey this request if, for example, someone says, “Be nice and take off your clothes.”
5. Know where children spend their time. Get to know the adults who show up at the various locations in the community where children gather and where they play together. Be wary of any adult who seems more interested in creating a relationship with a child than with other adults. Pay attention when an adult seems to single out a particular child for a relationship or for special attention. Warning signs include treats, gifts, vacations or other special favors offered only to one specific child.
6. Make unannounced visits to the child’s nursery, babysitter, daycare center or school. When choosing a nursery, daycare center or school, make sure there are no areas where children play or work that are “off limits” to parents.
- Do not allow a child to go alone on “vacation” with any adult other than the child’s parent.
- Do not allow a child to spend the night alone with any adult other than the child’s parent or another safe adult. (Note: “Safe adult” is a special designation used in the VIRTUS Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Program for Parents and Guardians to describe adults who have demonstrated that they behave in a safe manner when interacting with children.)
- Except in the case of a serious emergency, do not allow a child to travel alone – even for a very short distance – with any adult other than the child’s parent or another safe adult. You should also prohibit children from accepting expensive gifts from an adult, particularly if one child is singled out for special attention.
7. Find out if the child’s school or church religious education programs include a sex abuse prevention curriculum. If not, volunteer to be on a committee to establish such a program. Work with teachers to review available programs and make recommendations to administrators. Talk with other parents about supporting the addition of child sexual abuse prevention material to existing child safety programs.
Parents can make an important difference. However, without a supporting organization to help bring together a community’s resources, experts, and commitment, parents are limited in their ability to impact community-wide child abuse prevention. That’s where we can help.
The Church can join with parents to build a society where children are no longer at risk of being sexually abused, where those who have been victimized can find the resources and courage to heal, and where all people live together in loving, supportive relationships.
— Reprinted with permission from National Catholic Services, LLC. National Catholic provides neither spiritual solutions to individual problems nor legal advice to its clients. Seek the advice of a spiritual director or attorney regarding individual questions or legal advice.
What should I do if I suspect my child has been abused?
Call the police or social services department in your community. Reassure your child that he/she did nothing wrong and that he/she did the right thing by telling you. You may want to find a child counselor experienced in child abuse matters.
You can also contact the Diocese of Charlotte’s victim assistance coordinator David Harold, LCSW, at 704-370-3363 or This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Harold is available to help survivors of abuse, whether the incident took place in the Charlotte diocese or elsewhere.
I get the ‘creeps’ from a volunteer at church who always has his hands on kids in some way or other. What should I do?
Listen to your “gut.” Offenders give warning signs that knowledgeable adults can use; your ‘gut’ often picks them up. You are not accusing someone of abuse you are communicating your concern about inappropriate behavior. Let the diocesan victim assistance or safe environment coordinator know of your concerns. Let the supervisor of the program know of them as well. Keep reporting your concerns until someone hears you. Your courage to report those types of incidents may be very helpful. Reporting can let the person know their behavior is unacceptable, and it lets them know they are being watched. If it is poor judgment, this gives the person the opportunity to change the behavior.
Why do I have to be trained?
I did not do anything wrong; this is a clergy problem.
Child sexual abuse is a widespread societal problem, not a Catholic clergy problem. The more people who are trained to recognize the warning signs of an offender, the safer our children are. In the aftermath of the clergy scandal, the Charter for the Protection of Children and Young People requires the Church to train both adults and children to prevent child sexual abuse. This is not because the Church thinks all adults are the problem. It is because the solution to preventing child sexual abuse depends on caring adults knowing what to do.
— U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops
Did you know?
The prevalence of child sexual abuse is difficult to determine because it is often not reported; experts agree that the incidence is far greater than what is reported to authorities. Although it is a crime in all 50 states, statistics vary because child sexual abuse is not uniformly defined.
Despite what children are taught about “stranger danger,” most child victims are abused by someone they know and trust, such as a parent or other relative.
According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Children’s Bureau report “Child Mal-treatment 2017”
8.4%: The number of victimized children who were sexually assaulted in 2017
1,439: The number of N.C. children who were sexually abused in 2017
